For the guys from Big Blue, the big day comes at last

As the day progressed in Indio, the bustle in the lobby took on a happy, tidal rhythm: As each fresh wave of applicants would flow in, nervous and excited, the bridal party of a newly married couple would re-enter from one of the improvised onsite chapels, suffused with emotion.  Part of the fun was the clothes, of course.   Women came in polo shirts and flowing dresses, with lipstick and without.  Men wore ties and hearing aids – or wore their emotions on their T-shirts.

Thomas Van Etten

I was drawn to one elderly couple whose matching T’s proclaimed:  “Our Love waited 40+ years for this day!  4/13/1968 – 6/17/2008.”  Who were they?  The Van Ettens, thank you very much.  Thomas told me, “I changed my last name to Robert’s in 1975 to make a statement about same-sex marriage.  So we’ve been fighting this fight for years.”

On cue, Robert picked up the story.  “We went to an attorney and said, Is there anyplace in the world where we can get married?  He said, You pay me and I’ll check it out.  He checked all the countries he could find and came back and said basically no. He said, Why don’t one of you adopt the other?  I said no, I won’t accept that because that’s hierarchical and our relationship is equal.”  They figured the name change would be “a good start.”

Not only did they push for equality, they did it in the belly of Big Blue. “We worked for IBM for 30 years,” Thomas said.  “We were very open about our sexuality, because we knew that if we were closeted, it would destroy us either physically or mentally.

“In 1975, we went all the way to the corporate office of IBM about discrimination in the workplace for gays and lesbians.  We were in Milwaukee, a very conservative city.  But as a result of that, the next year we were transferred, after both being promoted, to headquarters located in Atlanta as a gay couple.  It was the first transfer in the history of the corporation treated the same as [that of] a married couple.”

Robert: “Then two years later we were transferred again as a gay couple to San Francisco.  We kept working on this all our careers, and finally, in the late ’90s, IBM announced that they would do domestic partner equal benefits.  So it was a long haul, and it cost us professionally, but it was well worth it.  We’re very proud of the accomplishments that ended up by our work.”

Thomas, who worked in human resources, helped to keep the couple from foundering on hidden homophobia.  “We knew that we had to be the best employees that we could be, because otherwise they could’ve terminated us for non-performance,” he said.

Robert rephrased more bluntly.  “I think we pissed off a lot of people at IBM, but we were exceptional employees.  For example, at one time during my career, I think IBM had a total worldwide employee count of 300,000, and at that time I was one of the top seven systems engineers in the United States.  They couldn’t get rid of us.  So that gave us the opportunity to fight for equal rights.”

Today, almost a decade after they helped to turn IBM into an LGBT friendly environment, the Van Ettens’ other impossible dream was coming true. 

They showed me their rings, engraved with their names and the date when they met. And when their witnesses arrived, they invited me to the wedding. In truth, they were thrilled that The Advocate was also here to witness. 

The ceremony was brief.  Thomas teared up right away; even Robert, the blunt engineer, quavered a bit as he promised to love “as long we both shall live.”

With their rings exchanged, their marriage sealed with a kiss and a crushing hug, Thomas turned to face us first.  Wiping his eyes, he cried, “I’m a mess!” (Anne Stockwell, The Advocate)